“Julia has a certain magic, doesn’t she?” I heard a coworker say over margaritas a few years ago. Julia’s side hustle as a writer had recently taken off, she was in a loving relationship, all the managers adored her (her next promotion was inevitable) and, well… we adored her too.
You’d think there would be a pang of envy when we contemplated Julia’s awesomeness. But there wasn’t—just affection from everyone. Why? Because Julia was irresistible to everyone. You probably know a Julia or two yourself.
Here are some qualities that irresistible people possess:
An ego, simply put, ain’t sexy. When someone is sizing you up, one-upping your achievements or grossly overstating their success has the opposite effect. The most likable people have no airs about them. They’re delightfully comfortable in their own skin, and that confidence translates to kindness.
2. They know their worth
Nicole Moore, relationships coach and founder of Love Works Method, says attractive people have an attitude of, “I know what I’m offering, and it’s valuable.” This can appear in a quiet, resolute, confidence. She also suggests owning what she refers to as a “power attribute,” which you can simplify into your own, unique word. Are you brainy? Witty? Soulful? Sexy? Nurturing? Playful? Knowing your worth (and your word) is powerful.
3. They make you feel comfortable.
Ever notice how, when you are in the presence of people who make you feel relaxed and like yourself, you blossom? Irresistible people give you the comfort and space to be who you are. They don’t try to change you. They look for the good in people, and they draw it out of them too.
4. They stay away from drama and negativity.
There is nothing appealing about pessimistic, downbeat types. And energetically, we cannot help but mirror those around us, so it’s the uplifters we naturally gravitate towards. We seek them out. We invite them to meetings, parties, and coffee. We linger around them because we can’t help but enjoy their affirmative vibes.
5. They elevate others.
Irresistible humans love to give compliments. They share the credit. They are quick to say a kind word or even help out. Irresistible people want to make life pleasant and positive for everyone.
6. They don’t compete; they collaborate.
Recently I was at a breakfast full of entrepreneurial women. In a heartbeat, you could tell who among us was sizing others up with an aggressive “who’s who?” vibe, versus those who were simply and enthusiastically introducing themselves to others.
The latter group was eager to learn about the people they were meeting. They had open smiles, warm body language, and an inquisitive way about them. I learned later that two of the warmest and most sincerely passionate women within the group also happened to have the most successful businesses, thanks in large part, to partnerships with other people like them. No surprise.
7. They are not afraid to be vulnerable.
There is nothing more isolating (or exhausting) than trying to project a false sense of strength. When meeting new people, I’ve noticed that most don’t about talk topics that really matter. Whenever I bring up my early divorce, my late father, or my modest upbringing, people tend to open up to me too, and it’s because we all want to make deeper, more sincere connections with others.
A connection has nothing to do with exotic vacations or million-dollar career stories—it’s about being secure enough to talk about tough parts of life. Because we all have them.
8. They accentuate their strengths.
Iressistible people use words with intention. They use statements like, “I love, I do, I can” versus “I should, I try, I don’t know.” When you use stronger, more intentional language, it impacts your mood, your confidence, and how other people perceive you. And irresistible people focus on playing up their talents versus complaining about their weaknesses.
9. They make an effort.
Irresistible people make an effort to look presentable. To do the research before a meeting. To bring a gift when they visit a person’s home. These things don’t need to be overthought, and they don’t have to be perfect. But the effort is noticeable, and it’s lovely. It encourages us to do things with a little more effort too.
Susie Moore is Greatist’s life coach columnist and a confidence coach in New York City. Sign up for free weekly wellness tips on her website and check back every Tuesday for her latest No Regrets column!